George Carlin Quotes

Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 
George Carlin 

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. 
George Carlin 

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. 
George Carlin 

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? 
George Carlin 

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories. 
George Carlin 

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam. 
George Carlin 

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. 
George Carlin 

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. 
George Carlin 

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. 
George Carlin 

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. 
George Carlin 

Religion is just mind control. 
George Carlin 

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another. 
George Carlin 

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. 
George Carlin 

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. 
George Carlin 

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done. 
George Carlin 

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. 
George Carlin 

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past. 
George Carlin 

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they? 
George Carlin 

When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day? 
George Carlin 

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar. 
George Carlin 

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans. 
George Carlin